I'm A Failure
Failure: ‘the fact of not achieving the desired result’ or ’a person or thing that is not successful’.
I’m a failure.
Did reading that line make you feel uncomfortable?
Failure is a dirty word that even makes the unflappable uneasy.
The concept of failure is a conflicting one for us. We are afraid of it, yet we also indulge in spouting how our failures have transformed us into successes.
In the West, failure is a key ingredient for success, a stepping stone to great heights, and a humbling tool to ensure one doesn’t fall into arrogance and hail their successes as if they were natural, God-given gifts. Success right out of the gate is a fluke, a bit of luck, or God-ordained; success must be hard-won to be admired.
Failure on its own can’t be tolerated, however. Failure is like grief, no one knows how to be around someone who is suffering in either state.
I’m a failure.
I’m a failed journalist, I’m a failed writer, I’ve failed at getting a full-time job over the last three years, I’ve failed to buy a house, I’ve failed to travel enough, I’ve failed at being a reliable daughter, sister and friend, I’ve failed to get married, I’ve failed to get healthy, I’ve failed to lose weight.
I’m a failure.
This week, I had a series of rejections, one after another. A reminder that I’m continuing to fail despite all the efforts, manifesting, positive thinking, or praying I do.
I felt the usual feelings of shame, sadness, and a blow to my self-esteem. Sitting with it for a bit, I came to realise why constant failure was still impacting me, despite its consistency. It stings because I still thought I could succeed. I thought my past failures were training me for my presumed future success.
It hit me that I wasn’t going to be a success, and failure is my status quo, and I needed to stop pressuring myself to achieve it. I’m not, have ever been, or will be a success. Success happens only to a few, like those who won’t touch grief, who won’t know disappointment, embarrassment, hurt, or ill health.
Admitting to being a failure is difficult because of how it’s perceived when people hear it said aloud. When you say 'I failed’, with a full stop, no supplementary clause including success, it makes people uncomfortable. People are obsessed with having hope and think hope will manifest success, achievement, and accomplishment. They impose hope and a positive mindset on others.
I constantly get unsolicited advice on keeping a positive mindset about my situation, how the “right” thing for me is just around the corner, and how my failures, specifically with getting work, are teaching me how to improve my approach each time I apply for a new role.
I don’t have anything against the people giving the advice, I have and still do give empty input to others when they don’t ask for it. It’s our natural response to pain, like giving a hug to someone who is grieving; it won’t improve their situation, but it’s our way of showing that if we could, we’d do anything to help each other.
I’m a failure.
The definition of failure is ‘the fact of not achieving the desired result’ or ’a person or thing that is not successful’.
I’ve failed to do what was expected and required of me as an educated adult.
And I think I will be okay with being a failure. There’s a weird contentment in constantly failing and coming to accept it. It’s predictable, it’s on schedule, it’s inevitable at times. Knowing you won’t achieve what’s expected or required of you takes the pressure off. You no longer have to try and use it as a building block to success.
I’ve been set up to fail, and so have a lot of you.
Failure is not entirely your fault. A lot of us have been set up to fail. A great part of why I can’t get full-time work is not because I’m not “doing enough”. It’s Trump’s fault for excessive tariffs, it’s Putin’s fault for starting a war that adds to inflation, it’s Western governments’ fault for poorly dealing with a pandemic, and it’s the one percent’s fault for putting profit before workers.
For others, they’ve been set up to fail based on gender, race, being born into poverty, being born to the wrong parents, or being born disabled. The world is against you and has put things in place to make living difficult.
I’ve been on the cusp of success and had more people than I can count on both hands go to great lengths to stop me from reaching it - ironically, they’ve been successful at that. I've seen others have their success taken from them.
It’s not all your fault.
Being set up to fail illustrates how rare success is that it’s so coveted by others that they become thieves. Success may be built on failure, but it’s also stolen goods.
Learning to live in failure
Failure has become my companion. I don’t want to shoo it away anymore or hide it. I can’t work my way out of it or convince others to let me have it. I often wonder if the things I’m not achieving would still be in the shape of failure if I didn’t name it that. I think it’s what it means to be content.
I’m content.
…well, almost.
I’m aware I’m treading a fine line of contradicting myself, but if you don’t have expectations for a “desired outcome”, then I believe you can become content. I’m still working through how that works or looks like for me. I’m not going to preach about how I’ve become content through failure, but I hope I’m honest.
Failure doesn’t mean you’re bad, stupid, or less loved. It doesn’t mean disaster, depression, and sadness. It might not even mean the status quo forever.
Will success forever elude me?
Maybe, maybe not. But I think we should stop thinking failure is less than success. Success is adding on, the ideal or desired outcome. Failure is not losing something; it’s, in a way, things remaining the same. I can’t change anything about my current circumstances, which have been partly constructed by the global economy, to reach to goal of a made-up dream in my head of the ideal working situation. Now I have to learn how to live in the status quo and see its unique beauty.
I’m not alone when it comes to identifying as a failure, but I also don’t believe using the term is negative. Gen Z must seem like failures to older generations, but they seem content to live their lives without chasing traditional success. Success is arbitrary anyway.
I also believe failure shouldn’t be tied to relapses, mental health, or even physical health. It’s just a fact of life; something that could have happened didn’t, or the desired outcome wasn’t reached, and you were the person it didn’t happen for. So what?
Will this post be a success? Probably not.